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Connect to your existing Cracked account if you have one or create a new Cracked username. Like monkeys and Pokemonmasturbation is evolving. Our ancestors used to put a stick covered in termites in their proto-dicks to get off. Nowadays, we have robots that will give us space-age handies with a kung fu grip and lube designed by NASA, I assume. As with all things, though, we must ask: Sure, if you're dying of a terrible disease, you can go to a hospital for treatment with modern Best jack off music, but some people still like the idea of using herbs to clear up a sucking chest wound.

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Who knows what might work? So with that in mind, I have decided to put my very body on the line to help youfellow jackers, determine just what is the best method of wanking. Do the olden ways stand up to today's modern superjackoffery?

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Science will tell us! I don't have a degree in anthropology or dick tuggery, but I am an amateur in both. It is therefore my nonprofessional belief that the origin of masturbation is connected to the right wrist.

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Even for you lefties. Back in the day, you wouldn't dare touch your Best jack off music genitals with your sinister devil's paw. Only the right hand would do. So we can agree that masturbation probably first happened with a bare hand -- probably well before the s, if you can believe it.

Maybe one day, our monkey ancestor was sitting in his tree, lounging under a palm frond, enjoying some delicious papaya, when some of it slipped and landed on his little monkey dinky.

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He reached for it, grabbed both together, pulled, and suddenly we had nuclear power, iPhones, and Hot Pockets. As it happens, I have tried this old chestnut myself once or twice, but for science, I did it again.

So I hope that right now, you're picturing Best jack off music literally stopping my writing of this article right here, pushing my chair back a little bit, pulling out the mayo, and starting to churn my own butter. Best jack off music to imagine some sound effects, like a grunt of consternation, a chipmunk-like tittering, and the bass growl of a tired and hungry bear.

Did you picture it? Anyway, I'm sure nearly all of you are aware that this is aces. It's hard to beat the good cheer brought about by your own hand. It knows just what you like, and if you're not too callused or maybe you are and you dig texturethen it feels just fine, too.

For you ladies, try to imagine something you really enjoy the feel of, repeatedly and rhythmically working your lady flower.

I'm told by our research team that female masturbation is actually a thing these days as well, and has more fans than paddle boarding, so maybe imagine that. They can masturbate and use lotion for its actual intended purpose. As many fellows will tell you, about a year or two after you've mastered the hand technique, your mind starts wandering.

Your hand is one thing in a world of many things. Probably, like, things. What would those other things feel like if they were jerking your gherkin? So you start experimenting.

Maybe it's Halloween and you have a pumpkin handy. Maybe your beanbag chair sprung a leak and has an appropriately-sized orifice barfing beans in your room. Maybe you have a slice of ham. I'm not saying there's anything inherently sexy about Best jack off music. I'm not saying you can't use turkey, or even tofurky, if you swing that way. I'm really just advocating the texture more than anything -- which, upon rereading this sentence, is somehow even more gross. Still, an industrious-yet-lonely man with a boner is basically a sexual MacGyver.

If you're not picking up what I'm putting down yet, allow me to elucidate. For this particular solo mission to Dribblesville, you need to take a slice of deli ham -- and in this case, you don't necessarily want it super thin -- and maybe pop it in the microwave for 10 seconds. Maybe you want it in a piece of bread for added grip, I don't know. I don't want to be the conductor on this train to penile trichinosis; I'm just sharing information. Point is, you wrap warm meat around your cyclopean flesh carrot, and strum away like Clapton performing his final concert.

This is a lot like regular masturbation, only the smell is much more off-putting. Have you smelled deli ham lately? Give Best jack off music a try. Then rub it aggressively on your crotch for a few minutes.

The porcine groin bouquet is a bit sweet and a bit musky -- kind of like what you might expect from a corpse, Best jack off music a Kardashian when no cameras are around. I can't recommend it. Fleshlight has apparently sold over seven million units worldwide.

There's a reason Fleshlight hasn't hired me as an ad man. That aside, the inside of a Fleshlight is soft, squishy, and textured with various nubs, swirls, and ridges.

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The basic goal of a Fleshlight was to make a vagina into a handheld device; an idea that Best jack off music get exponentially creepier the more time you devote to thinking about it. Fleshlight It's like if Ed Gein got into porn and collected just one body part. Patented inthe Fleshlight was the answer to the warm meat conundrum: How can I rub my chub in a way that is more exotic and satisfying than using my hand, but will not leave a slime trail of salmonella bacteria on my sack?

Many people claim the Fleshlight is even better than the real thing, at which point we're left to consider whether by "real thing" they mean Best jack off music hand -- which of course they don't mean -- or an actual human vagina -- which, sadly, they do mean.

The existential sadness of anyone claiming that a disembodied rubber vag-sleeve is better than having sex with another Best jack off music is something no Cracked columnist can dare take on without some serious alcohol to fuel the poetic ennui that will follow. I refuse the challenge, because I have masters to bate and a soul that still glows a little when you say nice things to it.

Maybe one day, if I ever willingly take a nap on a back alley mattress and start agreeing with things Donald Trump says, I'll be able to revisit this idea, but until then, no. Now, this isn't to say a Fleshlight is an unpleasant experience. If you have the chance, you go ahead and pork that little rubber fun hole.

It's not bad at all. I would argue that a Fleshlight is to sex what Taco Bell is to a Mexican banquet.

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It's not really in the ballpark, and sure, some snotty people who think they're better Best jack off music you will make fun of it. But you know what? When you're drunk at 2 a. The major downside to the Fleshlight is that it's a lot like manual labor. Masturbating with your hand affords you that flesh-to-flesh connection.


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